a story cut short November 7, 2009

I’d really like to enjoy the rare solitude on this pleasant Saturday evening. The grey skies and the November rain. The open windows and happy thoughts.

But the book in my hand doesn’t let me rest in peace. It tells me the story of a thirteen year old girl. It tells me the ugly truth of her life. A child who is ‘given away’ by her parents for money. Who is taken in by her father’s ‘friend’. Who is ‘bought’ and ’sold’ by many hands till they earn what she is ‘really worth’. Who is raped a million times over by men of all kinds. By fifteen year olds and some seventy year ones. By tobacco stinking ones and the sweet cologne smelling ones. By gentle and rough ones. She is raped by one after another. She bleeds, she cries, she tears. She tries to escape but she loses the little hope she had when a policeman rapes her one night. There on, the brutality of it all only soars.

The story makes me cry. But I know tears do not help. I am longing to find what does. What will.

Meanwhile, the story ends. The girl dies.

my dream home November 5, 2009

Like everyone else, I want a beautiful house. But not like the one you dream of, the palatial ones with rooms so many and so wide that you are lazy to walk across. Neither do I dream of that beautiful lawn with a coat of green velvet. I do not fancy chandeliers, carpets or leopard skin anywhere at my place. No, not even the Italian kitchenette every one seems to be talking about. The high ceilings, the spiral staircase, the leather couch, that exotic china, the huge verandah, those beautiful wallpapers are only a turn-off. I’d like the home to be small. Cozy at all times. I never want it to be so big that you forget who sleeps in the next room. Also, so that the cleaning doesn’t hurt my back and also so that you can get yourself a glass of water when tired. Doesn’t mean I dream of a match-box for a house. But I’d be content with a single bedroom and extremely happy with a modest double bedroom house.
 
But then there are some materialistic desires as well. If its a two bedroom place, I will promptly convert the smaller one into a library. I really dream of that. Shelves, racks and walls full of books. Another smaller chest with movie and song collection. But I should never think twice before buying a book because there is no room for it. That lame excuse should never ever surface. I dream of, how on weekends I will get lost in that room. The place will smell of old yellow paper and some fresh new ones. They’ll be so many, that I shall have to label them category wise. Oh, I am drooling already.
 
Then there is some cutlery I fancy. The ones I see in the malls. They drive me crazy. They are so pretty that I feel like buying them all. And sometimes I don’t even know what those things are used for. The variety nowadays is maddening. Just last week, when the house mates and I were buying a gift for our owner, we found a mini dinner set. And we could choose between these large soup bowls and another cuter version of them which were too small for soup, or for that matter, too small for anything at all. No points for guessing what the girls chose. And no surprise even when the owner liked those bowls the best. I asked her what she would, or could, serve in them. She said  “Hmm..I don’t know yet. But shouldn’t fill them up too much, the design inside has to show”!!! I like that. I would even keep them empty for display at a party, they are that pretty.
 
Now the bedroom. I will place scented candles in every corner I find. Just imagine, you come back tired after work, open the bedroom and that sweet smell to welcome you. Only they should not make you too sleepy too early, you know. There is work to be done.
 
I dislike too much furniture. Wooden, metallic, leather, no-thank-you. Beanbags would be good. Even a low set divan is just right. Sitting on a bright colored  mat on the floor, perfect!
 
The plain walls will not be dressed with wallpapers. Not even by the prettiest ones you show me. I’ll decorate the walls with my doodling. Nothing like it. I’ll sketch on my walls, here and there. I’ll scribble my way. Just as I am writing this, a million designs are already floating in my head, in blues and browns. And then of course, I don’t need any bulky, sleek, whatever type of wall hangings you have to offer. I’ll have our pictures hung. Many of them. The only reason I sometimes feel the need for a staircase is that it gives you ample space to hang photos.
 
Sigh!! So many things I desire, I shouldn’t be offended when some one calls me materialistic. Materialistic, in a gentle way he says.

Put all that together and you have my dream home on a plate. Fill that up with people I love (and a pet) and you have my dream world right there.
 

lost November 2, 2009

i am not feeling good. sick and low and busy and bored. all at once.

:(

:(

:(

what can you say to make me feel better?

all hypothetical October 30, 2009

 

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
i’d lose all my faith in love.
  

2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
it would be to get a job i love
 

3. Whose butt would you like to kick?
of this idiot who burps next door
 

4. What would do with a billion dollars?
travel the world
 

5. Would you fall in love with your best friend?
yes, why not. if he can be my best friend, he must be really good! ;)
 

6. Which is more blessed: loving someone or being loved by someone?
there’s nothing like the two things happening at once
 

7. How long would you wait for someone you love?
as long as he takes to come to me
 

8. If the person you secretly like is attached, what will you do?
i would try and be good friends
 

9. If you could root for one social cause, what would it be?
it would surely be children’s rights
 

10. What takes you down the fastest?
hypocrisy
 

11. Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?
with a job i love to do, with a loving husband, a daughter to dote on, in a place i can call my home.
 

12. What’s your fear?
of hurting my dear ones
 

13. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?
single and rich definitely
 

14. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously who will you pick?
fall in love with two people simultaneously??? what is such a thing?
 

15. Would you give all in a relationship?
i would give most of it. 80% as some ‘expert’ says. the rest 20% i would keep for myself.
 

16. Would you forgive and forget someone no matter how horrible a thing he has done?
forgive, yes. forget, not yet got there.
 

17. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?
if the relationship comes with some liberties of single-dom, i would prefer that. if it comes with a list of do’s and don’ts, i’d happily remain single.
 

That’s all.

any takers?

shadows of the past October 30, 2009

How often do you think of the past? How happy or sad does that leave you?

 

I do not think of my past often. But uninvited, the thoughts come. They do not last too long but for a while, they stay. And as long as they choose to stay, you have nothing but to entertain them. To let them take you back into time, a time where you were a child being scolded, laughed at. A teenager, with a crush on your neighbor, who blushed every time he passed by. A teenager, with curiosities building everyday. A girl, insecure of the new things happening to her. A girl, unsure of which way to go. A girl, eventually choosing the wrong way and venturing too far, too soon. A young woman who finds her way back to the right only to later get caught in the world of guilt. The short, yet painful, span of supposed heart-breaks, empty promises, broken trust, superficial relationships, dead conscience. The age of making mistakes and learning valuable lessons, all at the cost of a scar. A scar that lasts a lifetime. A scar on somebody else’s heart.

 

I do not know if I would have lived my life any differently if I were to get a chance to go back and start again. I have made mistakes. Terrible ones, to say the least. And rightly speaking, I should regret having been there, done that. But if not for the wrong path I once took, I would, for sure, not be the person I am today. That is not to say I am proud of the fact I have been in the wrong. I am not, definitely not. Neither am I so guilty as to hate myself for it. Not at any cost.

 

True redemption, they say, is when guilt leads to good. And I believe that with all my heart.

 

I have made peace with myself. I am able to laugh at most of the things of the past, though some times with a tear in the eye. I am able to forgive people who hurt, even if I am unwilling or incapable of forgetting. I am able to let go. I am able to move on. I am able to love myself and the world around. The same world that once seemed cruel and ugly. The same people who once caused most of the pain. Now, I am surely able to look beyond.

 

But there is still one thing I shall always regret. Always.

my newest passions October 29, 2009

drinking thick creamy cappuccino instead of tea. eating chocolates wrapped in colorful papers and liking them. doodling on paper napkins instead of discarding them. eating vanilla and pineapple pastries and not the usual gooey chocolate ones. reading interesting things on wiki and shutting the novel. cutting paper in pretty shapes and making bookmarks. typing in lower case letters and abandoning the caps key. walking long in the pleasant evenings instead of lazing around in the bed. smiling at the moon every night and staring at the stars instead of calling it the end of the day.

 

change is good.

the good food times October 26, 2009

Here’s a tag I picked up from Chandni. Its to list down five of your most memorable meals. Five is a small number when you are talking about food but let’s try.

• Beautiful old memories of plain lunches and dinners come to me. The simplest foods eaten with my family in our old rented single bedroom house have still left the taste lingering on. It was usually a modest meal of white rice, fish curry and a vegetable or a piece of fried fish. And since money wasn’t so good at that time, the fried fish was royalty and it usually found place only on didi’s and my plate. And I remember how if Dad got any extra fish on his plate, he would go check in the kitchen how much was left for mother to eat. Some times, he said he didn’t like it just so that he could keep it for Mom. My sister picked up that habit and fed me her portions. I later learnt and used it with Hero. There is some joy in seeing your loved ones eating happily and that never leaves you starving.
• When I just came to Bangalore, I stayed with a friend in a rented apartment for about six months. We both knew nothing of cooking but after the initial excitement of eating outside died down, we started experimenting. Weekend would mean cooking a late lunch of ghee rice and chicken kebabs. The whole thing of going and buying chicken, kebab masala, tomato and onions for salad, coriander for garnishing was such a fun experience.The food was hardly perfect but we savoured every bite of those meals. And from there on I have learnt not to criticize what people cook with so much effort. Not unless its totally un-eatable :)
• One non modest meal I have so loved was at this place called Sue’s Kitchen in Bangalore. Its not as famous as Barbeque Nation or TGIF. Its a buffet meal that Hero and I had. The cuisine is Caribbean and it closely resembles Goan-Portuguese catholic style of cooking. Beef, pork, crabs, salads with vinegar, it all tastes like home food. Of a Goan Catholic home that is. The place is a lovely house with a few tables set in every room and has Caribbean music flowing around that reminds me of Goan Carnival. We end up sitting a good two hours eating while enjoying the music. The owner is a lady so warm, you feel like hugging her while you leave. We both love that place!
• When Hero and I had jus begun dating, we had finished our semester exam and were to spend the night out on the beach along with another friend. We took a good stock of beer and kebabs to the beach and ate and drank with the sand blowing in our faces. Those kebabs were the juiciest I have ever had. They just melted in my mouth while the guys got drunk on that sick tasting liquid. Not to forget I got high on two sips of beer and was asking the guys to stop the waves because their noise was disturbing me. Later, the three of us slept off in the sand and the next morning we went to the nearby fort to watch sunrise. Oh those days!
• Its not surprising that most of the memories are linked with Hero. He loves food more than I do. And this one though not directly my meal, is my memory nonetheless. Last time when we were travelling back to Bangalore from Goa, the bus was delayed and had to stop for dinner at some cheap hotel at Karwar. The place was extremely filthy and so crowded that you had to share your table with strangers. The waiters looked dirty to say the least. I almost ran out of the place before I saw Hero comfortable settling in a chair and ordering chicken masala and roti. I looked around to get disgusted by everything I saw. Hero obviously was too hungry to notice. I sat there for the next twenty minutes watching him feast on that meal reminding the waiter to get chopped onion and lime to eat along. Once in a while, its ok to leave hygiene behind. Once in while, its ok to eat with your eyes shut and mouth wide open.

These five memories was all I needed while I struggled to eat the dry sandwich at my desk for lunch. I am now full to my heart’s content.

Unsung, Amrit, BlueMist, alwayshappykya, Tara time to talk about your own good food times. Anyone else wanting to share their plate is most welcome.